you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
