i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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