If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
