thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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