mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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