Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
