I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just high enough for therapy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
