I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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