I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
