found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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