I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
