Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The uberlube is also flammable
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
