I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
