I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
