I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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