Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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