He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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