just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
