What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
is it fun? or sober?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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