i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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