The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
