I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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