I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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