I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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