Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
