i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
