It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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