You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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