I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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