I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
