I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
