I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
