My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
