Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
