yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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