whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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