My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
