Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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