Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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