my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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