i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
