why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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