Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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