Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
