i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
