I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
