GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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