So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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