im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
