the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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