hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I supernannyed him into submission
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
