we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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